From a very young age, I was under pressure from my parents to top my class, as we say in India, and qualify for medical education. Becoming a doctor is a big thing in Asian communities. It is a passport to riches; to a life of choices, security, power and prestige. It has nothing to do with your interest in healing, or your talent for being a healthcare provider.

Over the years, my cousins became doctors, bureaucrats, engineers while, at 40+ years of age, I am writing this essay in my continued exploration of what work means to me.

I have gotten a lot of grief both from my immediate family and from society at large for not having this clarity, for not earning top dollar and for having neither a specific passion nor a clear vocation.

I want to emphasize — I am not a dull person. I excelled in my studies, often topping my class. I have an above average IQ as well as an evolved creative side. My problem has in fact been quite the opposite. I’ve been interested in and done well at so many different things that I have been unable to pick a fulltime vocation. I suffer from the problem of plenty, not scarcity.

I have prayed on my knees, “God, please give me clarity on my passion. I promise I will pursue it with diligence and commitment. Just show me what it is that interests me. What will bring out my best potential. Everyone else seems to have so much clarity about their passion. The guy who quit the corporate job along with me is producing successful documentaries already. Then why not me?”

Year after year, I asked this question. All I got in return was silence; or even more confusion.

I have worked in several professions — been a public relations manager, a restaurateur, an entrepreneur, a marketer, a writer, a yoga teacher, a healer, and a waitress, among other things.

I continue to be scattered in different directions. I am as interested in writing as I am in movement. Different aspects of movement speak to me — sports, yoga, gymnasiums, dance, somatic movement, meditation, and so forth.

I can smell business opportunities and dish out ideas to people, some of whom have built successful ventures around them.

I am interested in the psycho-emotional space. I have taken classes in cognitive behavior therapy and neuro-linguistic programming.

I love writing. My opinion pieces, poems and, more recently, fairy tales have found an audience.

I love travelling and nature. I love hiking, camping, and boating. I love stepping into my garden and tending to it.

I recently discovered my love for housework, including cooking and dusting. This gives me the feeling of intimacy with my food and my personal space.

How do I bring it together?

Which of these are work and which not?

What I cannot do is limit “work” to the tasks I do for financial consideration.

I cannot define the pursuit of a passion I have as work because I have not single-mindedly pursued any interest.

“Let me put aside passion for a minute. Let me find purpose. I can contribute to society in many ways. Shall I work for the upliftment of the poor or to educate the underprivileged or help people with sobriety from drugs? What cause can I dedicate my life to?”

I can find no purpose to hold my attention for any length of time, for I am on a constant lookout for new learnings to deal with my existential anxieties. And the method keeps changing. One day I learn something from a psychological method like EMDR, the next day from painting, and another time from a social interaction.

As I have pondered over these questions, it has dawned on me: Work is all the tasks I perform to take care of myself. To discover myself. It includes my housework, physical work, psychological work, financial work, entertainment work, social work, and any other tasks.

At a workshop recently, I was asked, “What do you do?” I have been asked this question multiple times and each time I have been miffed by it. I do many things. How do I explain?

But this time I replied, “I am an explorer. I explore what makes me happy and peaceful. That is my work.”

That answer felt empowering.

It was the truth. I am not a PR person, or a writer, or a traveler, or a chef, or a yoga teacher.

Neither passion

Nor purpose

Neither money

Nor prestige

None of those drive me.

I am an explorer. That is my work.